What would you do if you knew it was your last day on earth? I know you’ve heard this question before, so have I. But today, I’m really thinking about it. In 2006, on September 27th my world changed. A man came into my school, took a class hostage, assaulted students, and murdered Emily Keyes. She was 16. I was 17. It’s been 16 years and 364 days since then (I refuse to do leap year math). Tomorrow, I will have lived half my life on both sides of this event. And this year feels different. This year, I’m reflecting the day before. Because I dreamt about Emily last night. What was her last day on earth like? Who did she talk to? What did she eat? What music did she listen to that day? What did she wear? Was it her favorite outfit? Did she hug her parents that day? Did her and her twin play video games together that day, or do homework next to each other? And I know that whatever happened is the right answer.
I usually speak on September 27th (via the internet) about how important Emily’s influence was on me in terms of living my life loudly, and running to touch all the places I can on the earth. I built courage and confidence and took a lot of leaps! And while that is exactly what I needed in the last 17 years...today feels different. Today I am reflecting on what I’ve learned while exploring the world and not spending time doing things I don’t enjoy. I am reflecting on what I would choose to do, who I would choose to be,
if it were my last day on earth.
And it feels like a million piece puzzle has come together in this way I didn’t really even see before. The people who support me and that I support, the food I cook myself and eat, the music or podcasts that go in my ears, the same dress every day that doesn’t bother my waist, the way I take a shower, how I sit on the floor to eat my meals. Every little thing I’ve learned to do for my pleasure, be it great or small, those are ALL things I’ve been figuring out slowly to make this life puzzle feel GOOD on a daily basis. And part of that puzzle is that I am constantly working on my growth, my understanding of life and the human condition.
And it’s less about going on adventures, and more about finding the joy in every little thing. Leaving the curtain open to let the sun shine on my face, even though it’s very bright. Listening to my partner play the ukelele in the living room while I do work that fulfills me. Even though I’ve been really stressed in the last few months, and my anxiety has been higher than I remember it being… today feels different.
Last year, “What would you do if it were your last day?” My answer would be: I would fly to as many places as I could and visit as many countries as possible, eat the food, lay on the beach, meet the locals, and live! And my answer this year is SO different from what I always identified with. I am so proud of that. I feel of course, that there is no wrong answer, and that your answer should absolutely change with your experience and who you are…but for me, the answer this year feels so … deep, and like it’s coming from the inside out instead of the outside in.
And I hope you reading this makes the answer feel a little different too. Take some time. Reflect on what you would actually do if you knew your life was going to be ending tomorrow. You would hug your daughter a few seconds longer. You’d savor that bite a little slower. You’d
l i s t e n
to your friend or your partner when they were telling you something. You’d hear them. You’d support them.
You’d
l i s t e n
to yourself! Something I’m really really learning over the past few years. The “shoulds” would quiet. The yearn and the urge and the desire would come forward, and you would do that thing! So what is that thing?
What will you spend your day doing? What will you spend the rest of your days doing? And I hope that these things you’re choosing to do…bring you some splash of pleasure, many ounces of joy, and become a delicious cocktail of a life.
Cheers to Emily, for always encouraging a reflection, and for being this bright sunlight on my face!
I love you guys.
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